Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
