Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
