duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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