I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
