i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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