i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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