you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates