so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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