You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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