Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
