I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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