i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
