Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
FUCK WHALES
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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