Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
A+ Viking dick
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
