I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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