the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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