Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
