how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
