When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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