Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
