Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
