I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
