Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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