It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Houston, we have a blender
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
