she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
This girl is more easily done than said...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
