Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
