Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
