Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
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the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
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I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
there is glitter all over my balls
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize