pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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