Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
