Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You can't just leave with hair like that
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
