This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
