Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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