I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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