I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
