my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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