i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
