totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
