Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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