I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
