The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
