Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
