I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
