Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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