You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
