my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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