my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
