I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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