One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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