just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
