Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
meet me or not, i'm out of control
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
