All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
BRING THE BAGELS
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
