I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
