Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
