the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
