I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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