she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
