Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
