I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
