Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
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